Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The so-called "WAR" between men and women

What if the issues between men and women weren't all or mostly because we are different genders, but rather because we are love/sex objects for each other?

I am very enrolled in Imago theory, which basically says: I am attracted to those who remind me of my early care-givers - in positive and negative ways. I want to bond, love and be loved, heal and be healed - and make it come out RIGHT this time. Often this feels very good in the beginning, and devolves to feeling not so good and going not so smoothly as time goes on... especially if I am not conscious about healing myself, supporting the other, deliberate in my communication, and especially receiving directly from God.

I like to share in meditation classes a picture that one of my 'healees' showed me a few years ago. She was monogamously married, but infatuated with some guy - you know the story...

When I looked at it, and saw very clearly that energetically this guy was a 'gumball machine' to her - she believed she could receive the things she was missing in her life and her 'heart' from him (she completely made-up this idea, but it was an enrolling fantasy nonetheless ; )

I saw that she really could receive all the things she was looking for outside herself (from the elusive gumball machine), directly, energetically, in a very real way: from God and from her connection with the earth (this is a practice in my spiritual tradition, which is delicious and I highly recommend, BTW ; )

My assumptions:

- Being self-contained, receiving what we need spiritually first, is not a common practice in our culture.

- Most people don't even have a concept this Can happen, and certainly don't know how to Open to this kind of experience.

- Meanwhile, the basic paradigm in our society is "fall in love" (find a gumball machine that will give me the best approximation of what I need, do whatever I have to do the get the gumball machine to give me what I want; repeat, ad nauseum). Then probably "fall out of love" (when the cost becomes much higher than the value of the gumballs... then I need to find a new and better gumball machine).

- Our basic beliefs around romantic relationships in our society don't serve us very well...

If I need something from my gumball machine that I can't get it to give me, or I can't find another gumball machine: isn't it a very small step to judging, blaming, hating the gender from which I enjoy finding my gumball machines? Is it really the FAULT of the 'pink' team (or the 'blue' team) that one of the 'pink' (or one of the 'blue') gumball machines won't line up in perpetuity to be a good-little-gumball-provider for me?

Meanwhile, from the other side: when I go around trying to get my needs met from others, 'outside myself', I can get very attached, controlling, irrational, manipulative, desperate, etc. It isn't pretty - really, you don't want to see it... *I* certainly don't want to see how ugly I can get! It may be easy for some to make up a story that I act that way because I am on the 'pink' team. Sure, I act certain ways because I am in a female body and because I am socialized as a female in this culture – but the REAL issue with my behavior, in this particular scenario, is not about which gender body I am in, rather it is that I am STARVING for gumballs!

I act crazy when I am starving - most people do - it is understandable. I hope we can deepen into more compassion for each other. And most importantly, I hope we can all continue to learn to go to God for the gumballs: because we really do need them – we just don’t HAVE to get them ‘out there’. Actually when I Have them 'in here' already - they quite magically SHOW UP 'OUT THERE'... it's just how it works... (there are some good reasons why this is so, but it is off-track in this conversation ; )

Meanwhile, I am not saying there is no value in a sexual and/or romantic partner - because certainly there is! But, the more I can be self-contained - the more my basic needs are met: the more I can choose to enjoy and invest in relationships or not: the better my relationships go! So, when I do, especially, the spiritual 'work'; as well emotional and relational and communication-al 'work': my relationships are Quite Delicious, and I am generally easy and fun to play with, in them.

So, back to my main point: How much are the issues about gender? How much are they about other things, such as:
- Having so much pressure on my love/sex-object to fulfill so many of my needs, as the examples above.
- Dealing with all the projections, emotions, thoughts... I have about past intimates as well as how my intimates SHOULD be (there is A LOT of unconscious stuff that comes up for me in (especially) my romantic (as well as other) relationships, that is completely irrational and non-tangential)
- projections, emotions, thoughts... I have regarding whatever gender I am relating to ("men ARE this"... "women ARE that")

THESE things are an awful lot of baggage to try to have a relationship through! And these are just the obvious issues that come to mind as I write this...

My experience has been, as someone with several long and short-term romantic/sexual relationships with each gender: for me relational strife has very little to do with how annoying men are and how annoying women are - because I can tell you from hard experience: they EACH can be freaking annoying in intimate relationship, as I certainly can be, as well ; )

SO I am not enrolled that the issue of gender is that huge an issue at all - I certainly don't believe gender is the most important issue. I recognize it is an issue to be managed and enjoyed, but these challenges are much easier to manage as I do my work, and deal with some of the other issues as named above. PTL!

Thanks for listening
; ) wendy

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